How It Feels To Be Alone And Loss Your Security

February didn’t happen as expected, and I’m still dealing with the changes. Instead of the life I had planned in my head, life has taken a different twist. My partner of 10-plus years and I have separated and taken a break from our relationship. It has been such a challenging time, filled with a confusion of emotions, regrets, yearning and transition.

Now I am living alone for the first time, and it’s tough. I thought I knew how to be alone, but I don’t. Yes, I can entertain myself and find contentment in solitude, but always with the security of my partner. Now that he is no longer a part of my life in that way, I feel disconnected, anxious and lonely. I am grateful that we are still friends and can relate to each other, but it’s different than being together as a romantic couple.

Although this is something we both think we need to grow, it’s still tough. But as time passes, I can see the space this separation gives us to figure stuff out. While I hope things work out well for both of us in the future, I also have to accept that this chapter in our lives may be over and not simply on hold.

Be careful what you wish for because it has growing pains

The universe has a funny way of giving us what we want. I asked for a connection to self and sisterhood, and now I’m dealing with a relationship loss that is propelling me to connect with myself and women. Although I have been railing and fighting against this turn of events, I have to give this time its moment.

I understand now that I need to learn to give myself happiness and care for my heart and needs before giving that to someone else without being sucked in by them. I’m writing this in an enlightened moment, giving me perspective, but I don’t feel brave or capable when I’m lonely or scared. It feels unfair and depressing.

The one good thing that this experience is teaching me is to open up and be vulnerable. Usually, I’m the one to keep things bottled up, and my partner was my one true confidant (which I realise now wasn’t the best and a heavy burden for one person). But now I am reaching out to my few female friends and seeking connections with other women.

Vulnerability is the only part towards connection.

Learning to pick myself up again

I must admit that today is the first day I felt like sitting to blog. My morning and evening routines are out of wack, practically non-existent. Life looks and feels grey a lot of the time, but that’s getting better. All the things that were bringing me joy have lost their appeal. I found myself crying at random moments in my day. I didn’t want to eat or go to work or be at home. All that is still true, but now I’ve reached a point where I can’t allow myself to wallow anymore. I need to take care of myself.

The first step is writing again. Putting pen to paper or typing and sharing my experiences help. Next is getting back into my morning routine or creating a new one. I also want to start exercising again, going on walks and doing yoga or anything to move my body and make me feel good. 

Currently, weekends are a bit painful because it’s just me, and I don’t have work to occupy most of my time, well mind. So finding ways to fill some of that time and get out of the house will help. Opening up and letting my friends know when I want company instead of hiding will help too.

Have you ever been true a breakup from a long-term relationship? What are ways that helped you cope?