Feeling Like An Emotional/ Mental Mess Today

Brain Dump Session

These past two days have been a strange one. I feel find physically but I feel like I’m in an emotional/mental mess right now. It’s probably stress related.

I’ve taken two days off this week. I don’t really stay home much. I don’t like to because I’m a temporary staff and I’d want anyone to say I’m not performing or something. That’s definitely one of my stressors. I always have to think and wonder if I’ll have a job next month. Even though I don’t think about it actively everyday, I do trust in God to provide and look out, it’s in the back of my mind. I’m really feeling the uncertainty of this. It’s not the best feeling.

The other thing is even though I’ve only worked for a short period of time in the scope of my life, I am tired. I’m tired of someone besides me dictating my 8 hours of my life. I’m tired of having to arrange my schedule 5 days a week to meet the demands of a job. I’d like to wake up at my own time and go to bed at my own time. I want to actually do work that I am passionate about instead of performing a job that’s just about getting a salary. I want to work from home and dictate my life, damn it.

Is that too much to ask?

Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for my job and the co-workers that I have. I know so many persons today are not as fortunate to have even a temporary job. So I am grateful.

However, I also know that working for someone else is probably not going to give me the financial freedom or lifestyle that I want. Since this is my life and the only one I am certain I have, I want to live it the way I see fit.

Can you relate?

Sigh.

My Morning So Far

It’s a very rainy morning today.

Rain is falling

I woke up to chirping birds as usual but all is quiet now. I’m still in bed right now. Usually by now, it’s 8:03am, I would have finished my workout, meditated, journalled, showered, got ready, left for work and started my work day. However, I took a day off. But even when I take days off I still follow my morning routine but not today.

So far for the morning, I got up, brushed my teeth, emptied my bladder and drank some water. Then I messaged my manager and told her I’m not coming in and had a bit of a cry. That’s two crying session in two days. That’s a lot for me. My body’s way of releasing pent up emotions, I suppose. Next I got my laptop from my desk and came back to bed. I went on Twitter, read some posts and found a blog post by thebloggerincentive.com on writing an about page. And because I’m a blogger and writing helps me get clear and this might help someone, I decided to write this impromptu post to share with you this morning.

Not sure what the plan is for the rest of the day yet. But I do plan to get off this bed at some point.

I’m thinking I will do full restorative yoga practice because that always helps to ground me. Maybe find a live meditation session on Insight Timer because I could do with some live community and a mindfulness session. I consider this my morning brain dump session. So thank you for being here and listening to me unburden my mind. I feel better.

Other things that help me are reading, listening to positive audios, watching anime or YouTube videos, listening to music and art. Maybe I shall do a bit of each today. Lol. Today may just turn out to be a productive yet restful day after all. I haven’t drawn or painted in a while. Not sure if I’m in the mood for it but it’s an option. Maybe I will try (thunder just rumbled) a Skillshare class today. I enjoy doing classes on there.

Other things on my to-do list, not necessarily for today, are to:

  • Check out ConvertKit as alternative free email marketing option to Mailchimp
  • Finish set up my idenati account. Do you know about idenati? It’s essentially a tool to help you organise the internet. Check out this video.
  • Look for someone to guest blog for. I’m hoping to do 2 guest posts a month. So far I’ve written one for the month to be published next month.

Okay, after all that I feel much better. I’m actually enjoying just laying around in bed, chatting with. It’s a bit of a one-sided chat right now but I look forward to your comments. I don’t usually stay in bed. Once I get up in the morning, I don’t go near my bed again until it’s time for me to sleep.

I hope you having a great day so far. Damn, I have no idea what to eat today. I’m honestly low on groceries and funds this month. Another stressor for sure. Just thinking about has me feeling anxious. Do you know that feeling you get in your chest at times? Idk how to describe it.

Give me a moment while I get back my calm. (8:42am)

(9:02am) Distracted myself my creating the banner for this post. Not sure if I like the image though.

Lack of money is definitely a trigger topic for me. The thought of not having a job and not having savings for a rainy day always makes me anxious. That’s the driving force for trying new opportunities and finding ways to make additional income. The need for financial security is strong. Even more so now that my savings are depleted from the last year due to the pandemic and having no job at one point. It’s definitely baggage from my childhood of living pay cheque to pay cheque.

There are definitely things I need to unpack there.

Anyway I hope you are having a wonderful Wednesday.

Thank you for reading.

AmethystAP

5 Replies to “Feeling Like An Emotional/ Mental Mess Today”

  1. Working. Unfortunately for most of us it is a necessity. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure makes it easier to enjoy more often (and on our own terms). Working for yourself does allow for more flexibility, although it does come at a cost of more responsibility.

    How about teaching a yoga class? You know how to do it, and you are passionate about it.

    Do what you love or love what you do.

    Like

    1. It’s a sad but true fact of life. You need money to survive and working unfortunately is the way. I much prefer working for myself even if it is more responsibility.
      Teaching yoga, that’s a great idea. I have been thinking about doing that for a while. I do really do love yoga. I even researched some online yoga teacher training a few times. Honestly sometimes hearing somebody else say to go after something is a lot more motivating, lol. Thanks Leon.

      Liked by 1 person

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