Sex in Relationships: Say No Without Wounding

Today we will be talking about sex, the physiological of desire and how to say no to your partner without hurting their feeling. This post is inspired by the podcast hosted by certified Sex Therapist Laurie Watson and Couples Therapist George Faller. The link for this podcast episode can be found in the links section of this post.


“Initiation is an act of vulnerability.”

“…rejection being very different from the feminine side verses the masculine.”

Biology of arousal/desire


“There is a difference in terms of  just the way we our bodies run. Men have so much more testosterone. A thousand times…A thousand to three hundred is the range for a guy..amount in your blood. At three hundred these men have very low desire”

“Most women, their testosterone range is 70 to 2 and 70 starts when she’s eighteen. We all think women peak for their desire when their 35 and actual women come into their own in terms of their  self image and their ability to ask.  But their hormonal peak is when their 18 and 70 is  a tiny amount of testosterone, down to about half that when she’s forty (40) and infinitesimal when she is menopausal so her physiological hunger is much less.”

“…one of the biggest problem in terms of the wounding is what do we do with these frequency differences and how do we help people through them to negotiate them so one person doesn’t feel drowned by requests and the other person doesn’t feel starved by not enough sex.”

How to negotiate sex

  • Offer a rain-check: If your partner asks you for sex and your not in the mood you can suggest another day and time in a light playful manner: How about Saturday?
  • “If you are offering the rain-check you have to. remember on Saturday to bring it back up…its yous job, your responsibility to remember that you offered that and bring it back up on the day you said that you would and have sex.
  • Note: “After about three days with no intimacy it is almost as if you’ve never had sex before ever and there’s never a chance that its ever going to happen the male psyche you really wine up in the dessert very quickly…three day male window”
  • ” Two or three times a week, three or four on a great week and one or two on a down week. On average two or three a week is where most people have the bio-stat set for mental health.”
  • ” If your dealing with a partner usual a female partner who has lower desire and you say two or three times a week, she’s going to feel swamped by that…a sexual pursuer becomes very sensitized to rejection and often has a very high level of what their expectation is that’s going to happen…you maybe have to settle for less intense times in between…quickies are wonderful especially if the women uses a vibrator… or maybe she doesn’t want that…your wife says: “I’m glad to make love to you tonight honey, it’s great but I’m not hungry” you have to believe that”
  • “Men particularly say “but I want her to want it” …but she’s not a male. She doesn’t have as much testosterone, she probably does want it but she doesn’t want it as frequently…can you accept her gift of love…it’s not my night but I’m glad to wrap my arms and legs around you and feel good with you. She often feels that as intimacy and closeness but it’s not her night to necessary do the focus that she needs to do to reach orgasm.”
  • “How do we accept that we are different creatures sexually.”
  • “For women, often times , not all the time,… she needs to be bathe, essentially first, in emotional connection before she wants to open up sexually..”
  • “In the heat of the moment when either partner is really aroused and really vulnerable and putting themselves out there and their shut down, what do you do as a couple with that aroused partner?” Hold them while they masturbate…could become a jump-starter or a quickie but only if your hearts in it..don’t lay there like a starfish.

Key take-aways to remember:

  1. The difference in testosterone level of males and females play a role in the frequency of arousal/desire.
  2. Offer a rain-check to your partner and commit to it
  3. Keep rain-check within three days of the initial request by male partner if possible
  4. Try quickies or oral sex
  5. Pleasure your partner
  6. Hold each other while masturbating to create intimacy
  7. Communicate with your partner and try to understand their needs

Thank you for reading.



2 Replies to “Sex in Relationships: Say No Without Wounding”

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